Turning 36 Was F*cking Weird

Hello Gorgeous Souls,

I haven't written a blog post last week because honestly I was a bit in the shits with myself the entire week. As most of you know, I celebrated my 36th birthday last Thursday and honestly, it was fucking weird. I needed to process what was going on in what I was feeling before I could write this blog post, because honestly, I didn't even understand what I was feeling at the time. 

It all started Wednesday, I woke up feeling anxious, tired, and a bit off. It was torrential down pouring all day, I had a shitty confrontation at the gym with someone, and it just sent me on a complete spiral where I felt like I couldn't function. I started to get hit with all of these emotions, all of this reflection, all of this shit, that I just didn't even understand what the actual fuck was happening. 

I have been spending the year really focusing on the idea of safety in my life, creating it every single day so I can help battle the constant anxiety of life that keeps coming up lately. And I feel I have been doing a banging job with it, when I actually know what I am feeling. When I can identify why that feeling is surfacing, I can identify the trigger, I can process and validate the emotion, I can let myself feel it, and move through it. I've gotten so much better at doing this lately until this week. 

All of the emotions that were coming up, I couldn't identify why and where they were coming from. There was no one defining moment that brought all this tension and reflection to the surface, they just came flooding up on Wednesday. Hundreds of little thoughts about "why do I do this?" "have I moved through this truly?" "Why is this coming up right now?" came rushing to the surface and my brain and soul couldn't process the broken dam of emotions that came through. 

I wasn't sad, I wasn't crying, I wasn't happy, I wasn't angry, I was just blah. In fact, I truly wish I could have felt the extreme of some type of emotion, but everything felt very numb, very baseline, and it made me feel so fucking weird. My therapist and I spoke about this feeling briefly the week before because something similar happened on the last day of my two in person retreats in New Orleans. The Sunday night before everyone left, I felt so numb, it scared me. I sat in the bathtub that night, watching New Girl, while all my friends and family we texting me asking how I felt now that it was finished and I couldn't answer them. 

"I feel weird." I told them "I feel like I should cry, I feel like I should be happy, but all I feel is this numbing weirdness. I feel nothing." And I share this with you because my therapist told me that this is called Hypoactivity (or something like that.) After being in two solid weeks of hyperactivity with the New Orleans retreat, being "on" and busy every single day, having to be at a certain energy level, my body stepped into hyperactivity (fight or flight) to get through the two weeks. I didn't consciously recognize that it was happening, but my body took over and knew I needed to show up and helped me show up, pumping my ass so full of adrenaline, that when it was all over, my body dropped into Hypoactivity, and shut itself down, leading to a massive breakdown the Monday everyone left. 

I haven't shared this with anyone, but I completely broke down once everyone left the retreat. I can't explain what happened but all of a sudden I started crying and I literally couldn't stop. This wasn't the single tear grateful cry, this was visceral gut wrenching cry. My body was shaking, I thought I was going to throw up, I couldn't eat, couldn't talk to anyone, couldn't do anything but feel the massive crash of adrenaline leaving my body.  It was so extreme that I ended up canceling my Tuesday morning flight and flew out Monday evening to go home. My nervous system was completely shot and it scared the shit out of me. It was like the Universe chose that moment to let 10 plus years of fight or flight activity to catch up with me and it scared the shit out of me. It was like my body, my emotions, couldn't stand to be held back anymore and they weren't going to allow me to keep them boxed up, and now that I think of it, everyone has felt a bit difference since. 

Maybe it's my 2 line, maybe it's turning 36, but I have been in this massive reflective state about my life recently. I have been asking myself so many questions of why I have done things the way I have, why I allow people to treat me the way they do, why I treat people the way I do, why I am so guarded, why I am so quick to cut people out, all of these reflective questions have been circulating inside of my head since I got back from New Orleans and than amplified with my birthday this week. 

I am sure the Universe is giving me this opportunity (although it feels less like an opportunity and more of a kick in the dick) to explore these feelings and these questions for some type of higher purpose, to learn some beautiful life changing lesson that I will carry with me through out the rest of my life, but damnnnnn Uni...can we let the fuck up for just one moment? I mean, shiiiiiit, can we give a girl a break? 

Reflection is fucking exhausting. I am sure you have heard it described as beautiful and I agree that it needs to happen, but no one talks about what an absolute shit show reflecting can be, how emotionally and physically exhausting it is, how much it takes a toll on your soul. Yes, it is necessary, but it isn't easy. I would typically say that this type of reflection is an uplevel of the soul, but this one feels different somehow. This one feels deeper, it feels more unique than an uplevel. I am not exactly sure what is going on and on some level that terrifies me. 

Maybe this is stepping into something completely different within my identity this year. So much has shifted up until this point, maybe all of the intense work I have been doing is coming to ahead in order for me to finally rewrite my old bullshit patterns and finally release them? Who the fuck knows? 

I wish I had some beautiful piece of advice or wisdom to impart on you that could help you shift out of this state if you are in it as well, but I honestly just don't and maybe that is the point. Maybe it's less about crossing the finish line in this race and more about slowing down and appreciating how much I actually accomplished in my personal growth at this point. Maybe it's more about speaking these reflections out loud and sharing them with the people around me? Maybe it's absolutely fucking nothing, I am not sure. 

What I do know, is it all happens for a reason right? These moments where we feel like we are stuck in these reflective states are for some underlining reason even if we can't currently see it. So, I am going to have faith that all of this will will point me in whatever direction I need to be heading in. Maybe this is less about forcing my way through it and more about surrendering to the Universe and letting her figure this shit out. Who the fuck knows? HA! 

This post might not even make sense, it maybe all over the place, but I believe thats because I currently feel all over the place and rather than fighting this shit allowing the chaos to take over, surrendering to life, and letting clarity find me rather than searching for it. Maybe this is the next step in my journey, letting go control and seeing what happens. 

Maybe it's the next step in yours and that is why you are still reading this word vomit of a post I have created. Maybe we are supposed to discover this loss of control together, so we both feel less alone and less scared in the process. Maybe we are supposed to take this journey together and we both needed permission from one another to walk into it blindly and to be okay with that. Maybe? 

Whatever happens, whatever shit show or non shit show occurs, I will be honest with you about the entire process because I want to be. I want to be so boldly honest about everything that it scares the shit out of people. Maybe that is the point of this? But I hope you join me for this honest journey and I do hope it helps you in some way.

Love your freakin face,

Amanda