Triggered As Fuck

Hey Gorgeous Souls,

 I wanted to share with you a triggering situation I went through today and the emotions, baggage, and childhood trauma that came up after it occurred. I have always felt that trigger situations are gifts that the Universe gives to us in order to help us recognize something we are not allowing ourselves to think, feel, process, and she is trying to gentle usher us along so that we can move through the emotions that come up during it and be able to unpack some of our shit we have been hiding up in our attic of trauma for years. 

Today was one of those days. My personal trainer showed up late to our session and it wasn't the first time he had done it and I am not going to lie, it triggered the ever living shit out of me. He showed up 20 minutes late, after directing me to be there early to warm up before our session, and when he was late, I went into white hot rage. We all know what red rage is right? The rage you feel so powerfully that you see red, pop the fuck off, say a whole bunch of shit you don't really mean, and then have to deal with the consequences afterwards. We've all been there and done that, am I right? 

But white hot rage is different, it's when you become so mad, you can feel it in your bones. The rage is so pure and burns so hot that your body almost shuts down in order to protect itself from setting on fire. It's the rage that you remain completely composed during, a sense of calm takes over, and although you are screaming on this inside, on the outside you are so relaxed, it's scary.  I call this aspect of my alter ego, The Ice Queen, and she made a full blown appearance this morning during my training session. 

I didn't yell, didn't tell him I was angry, I just got quiet, and as well all know, I am not a quiet person. I was short when he asked me questions, barely gave eye contact, and moved through the exercises so quickly just because I wanted to get out of there before I popped off and through a weight at someone. The situation was beyond triggering and ended up bringing a whole bunch of shit up along with it. 

With triggering situations, yes it is about the actual situation, but there is so much more than the actual situation involved. The situation itself is shallow and there is so much depth hidden beneath the surface. So, let's together, break down this situation and talk about what this really was about. Maybe this can help you all process your emotional triggers as well. 

1) Not feeling like a priority in someone's life. I felt I put effort into waking up early, made sure I got to the gym early to stretch and warm up, and made the session itself a priority. When that energy was not reciprocated, it brought up a lot of childhood shit. When I was younger, I never felt like I was a priority in my parents life. After they divorced, it felt like they had given up on the idea of being parents, and everything became about them, rather than my brother and I. Growing up, when big events happened, it felt like I had to compete for my parents attention with their own personal lives. They never made it feel like I was a priority, but in fact, made me feel like more of a nuisance when I was around. So when I pay for something like a personal training session and my trainer whether consciously aware of it or not, makes me feel like my time and energy are not a priority inside the container, that makes me feel like trash. It brought back all of the times that I felt I needed to fight for my parents to notice me, to take interest in me, to act like I was a priority in their life. It brought back the hurt and pain that I used to feel in the moment, and it made me feel fucking small again. 

2) Male Authority Figures: let's get into those #daddyissues. When I was younger I was taught that male authority figures knew more than me, deserved more than me, needed to be respected, and that my feelings were insignificant when it came to their role in my life. I further enhanced this belief when I went into the Culinary Industry that is a male dominated industry and was mistreated by male authority figures. I was looked down on, made to feel worthless, made to feel replaceable, my emotions were insignificant, and I wasn't allowed to stand up for myself when I felt wronged, and was constantly disappointed in their lack of integrity and leadership abilities through out the years of working for them.  Whether or not I consciously realized it, I made my trainer a male authority figure in my eyes. And when he showed up late, it brought back all of these feelings of not being able to speak my truth about how I was feeling. In fact, I barely spoke during the entire session. I shut the fuck down, which I find I do a lot in these situations. I knew if I spoke up in the moment I would have 1) said some real mean shit 2) burst out crying 3) a combo of both. So I kept quiet the entire time and felt the rage grow every second he opened his damn mouth. He could sense I was pissed, but never asked what it was about. In fact, he tried to project his shit on to me by saying "Have you not woken up yet? Little groggy today?" Which I sarcastically answered "Nope, I'VE  been up since 6:30am" I couldn't speak up because I was so busy processing my emotions in the moment. 

In fact, I didn't say shit to him until he texted me about 30 minutes after my session. I did respond and told him exactly how I felt about the lack of showing up on time and my feelings being hurt and that I was upset. THIS I am proud of. Typically I would let it slide, sweep it underneath the rug, say "I'm fine" but this time I stood in my truth and told him exactly how his actions and lack of ownership over his part in everything affected me. This time I learned and I spoke up for myself. 

3) Feeling like my energy & effort aren't being valued or recognized: This is something that I have been really struggling with the last few months. Feeling like I am putting all of this energy, this love, content, soul, effort out into this world and the world not matching that energy, the world not valuing it. I haven't been feeling recognized in my life lately and that just fucking sucks. Therefore, to feel like my trainer didn't even recognize my commitment and dedication to be there at the ass crack of dawn, set my soul ablaze. The gym is what I consider a safe haven or a place where I expel my anxiety, stress, negativity, and today it just felt shitty being there. I was in such a rage the entire training session that I literally wasn't breathing. Everything felt forced, hard, negative. I didn't enjoy the workout, I walked away feeling worse than I walked in, and now I am exhausted as fuck emotionally and want to get work done, but honestly it's hard to concentrate. 

These triggering situations can cause us to downward spiral for a bit afterwards, right? It's like this one situation opens Pandora's box of bullshit that just keeps allowing the trauma to escape. And before you hate on my trainer, he is a legit good dude, and this whole situation really has nothing to do with him. He was just the catalyst that caused Pandora's box to get ripped the fuck open. If it wasn't him, it would have been another situation, on another day, that the Universe would have handed me in order to process the emotions that so desperately needed to process. 

The situation needed to happen and a lot of good shit will come out of it. I was able to speak my truth and get off my chest to my trainer about how is actions hurt me, I was able to recognize that it wasn't really the situation I was so mad at, it was a small part in a much bigger problem that needed to be addressed. And although I feel like I got hit by a Mack truck emotionally right now, this blog post came out of it, and that alone is 1000% worth it. 

Once we step out of the hurt, the anger, and the feels of the triggering situation we are able to see what we really need to work on, and that is the important work. The work that is necessary for our own personal journey and growth, and if we don't address it when it comes up, it will just keeping eating away at our soul. That shit is toxic, and we need to get it out of systems in order to be able to life our best lives. 

And I would love to say I am not a petty ass bitch about the situation this morning, but alas, I am still petty as shit. My trainer sent me a text apologizing after I spoke about my hurt, and I left that text on read and didn't respond and I think we all need to be ok with that.

1) I know he feels bad, but it is not my job to make him feel better. He has to sit in his shit as well and maybe this is a valuable lesson to him in the long run about whatever shit he needs to work out. If I shoot him a message and say "I'm fine, we are good" I am not addressing my emotions of the situation and I am just sweeping them under the rug again to make him feel less bad about everything. As an empathic person, this is something I really need to work on, not fixing others emotions or making them feel better. 

2) We have to process our own emotions and truly separate what emotions actually belong to the triggering situations and what emotions our own personal baggage has brought to the situation. And that, sometimes requires some space and time from the individual that triggered you, and that is ok. Just because they have reached out and apologized doesn't mean you are ready to forgive. It may take some time and reflection on your part to be able to shift through it. Take that time, you deserve it,  

Triggering situations suck, people, plain and simple, but they are necessary for our personal growth on this planet. We need this situations to cast the light onto the darkness we are trying to keep locked up in the attic. We need to address them or they will keep on festering in our soul, and we deserve better than that

So, in short, I hope my processing of a triggering situation helps y'all feel better about processing your own. Because no matter how high on the emotional "guru" train we are on, we all get triggered from time to time, we all get knocked back into the closet, and that is ok. 

Love your freakin faces, 

Amanda