MY HYPER INDEPENDENCE F*CKED ME

Hey Gorgeous Souls,

 I just finished my weekly therapy session and I am not going to lie, it went as usual: a massive kick right in the dick. You see, I have become self aware of an attribute that I have allowed to become part of my identity, and although its great to be self aware of things, sometimes to become self aware is like having the wind kicked the fuck right out of you. 

I have always been independent. When I was growing up, I felt like I was left to figure shit out on my own a lot. My parents basically checked out of the idea of having kids and I basically raised myself, learning by making massive mistakes, and trying to better myself each year. I was allowed to do what I want, when I wanted, and if I did something fucking stupid, I was left alone to deal with the consequences. This independence became a corner stone of my identity. It became something that I prided myself on. I didn't need shit from anybody, I could and always will be able to count on myself when shit went down and that was all that I ever needed in this life. 

Until my hyper independence became isolation. See, when you feel that you don't need anyone to have your back because you always have your own, you tend to start self isolating unconsciously. You begin to put these walls up all around you, barricading yourself inside, where it's safe. No one and nothing can touch you inside of these walls. Over the years, people have tried to scale these walls time and time again, but whether I did it unconsciously or consciously, I started pushing them back down the walls. I mean I didn't need them anyway, right? I had myself and that was enough. No matter how many times people kept attempting to bust down my walls, to climb over them, they were met by reinforcements, they were met with resistance, with larger walls. I had created this fortress that could not be taken and my God did I pride myself on that shit. 

I started to become guarded with the people around me. With every passing year, more people would climb my walls, and once and a while I would try to let someone in. I would try to rely on someone, to allow them to have my back, and that would always lead to disappointment, disappointment in them for never truly supporting me, and disappointment for myself for allowing them to hurt me. When I allowed people through my walls and they hurt me, another wall stood up, this time ten times taller than the one before.  

And you know what happens when you become this independent? When you are safe inside your fortress of walls? You start to recognize how truly fucking lonely it is to be inside. The safety you thought you were providing, becomes like a suffocating force, sucking all of the oxygen out of the room. The walls looming over you makes you feel trapped, like you will never again see the other side. You start to self isolate, not allowing anyone in, ever, and you are left there, alone. Scared. Sad. And no one is coming to help you because YOU have not allowed them to. You have created this distance between yourself and others that is so vast that people stop trying to get to you. You become a lost cause to them. 

I have always known that I was a guarded individual. I keep people at an arms length, not allowing them to get to know the real me, to truly see me. I don't allow myself to feel things for people because I am always fucking terrified of being hurt. My friends circle is very small and limited because these walls, they have made me not trust people. I believed that I had kept this guarded side of myself hidden from those around me, that it was my little secret. 

Until my two best friends had one too many drinks one night and said an off handed comment like "I am afraid to tell you things because I am afraid you will cut me out of your life." to which the other replied something along the lines of "Yes! I feel this too." Imagine creating a fortress so guarded, that the two people you care about most in this world, don't even see it. That they fear that if they try and climb the wall too much, that you will push them back down. That they will be left in this purgatory of hanging by their fingers, gripping tight to the stone, hoping that one day you don't knock them off. 

Talk about a complete kick in the dick. And this isn't the first time the Universe has brought this plight to my attention. A few weeks before my two friends mentioned this, my personal trainer said something along the lines of "I have your back, ya know" to which I immediately replied "I have my own back, I don't you to have mine." The words flew out so quickly that they even took me back. He replied "everyone needs someone to have their back, even you." 

My hyper independence kept me safe as a child, as a teen, and even as a young adult, but I am starting to realize, that this thing that I wear as a badge of honor, is something that is now hurting me rather than helping me.  This protection that I felt I needed is now making the people who I love more than life itself, the people I would literally hide a dead body for, feel like they can't be honest with me. These walls that I have put up, they are ruining me, creating a life full of loneliness and solitude when that is the last thing I want. 

Because eventually people grow tired of the guarded person because they believe that no matter how hard they try, no matter the amount of effort they put forward, the guarded person will never truly let them in. That they will forever be left out in the cold and they can only stand to freeze for so long. 

My hyper independence has caused people to believe that I don't need them in my life, which is not true whatsoever, I do need them. They are my people, my true loves in this life, and I would literally be nothing without their love and support. I would be nothing if I couldn't run to them to cry on their shoulders or rage about whatever is pissing me off in that moment. I would be nothing without being able to speak my true heart and soul to them and to have them accept every piece of me, even the really ugly ones. I would be nothing without them, and my independence has caused them to not recognize that, and that hurts more than anything in the world.

I share this with you because I believe that over the years, each and every single one of us start to shield ourselves against others. Every time we get hurt, we throw a wall up vowing never to allow it to happen again. Every time we get disappointed, we tell ourselves "I won't let myself feel this again." Every time we are sad, we shed the tears and say, "this is the last time I cry for this person" and soon, we start losing ourselves and just become this shell of a human, always deflecting, never allowing anything or anyone to penetrate our field, always alone. 

There are times in our life where we have to stop and recognize that the things that used to make us safe are no longer doing so. We have to recognize that these protection mechanisms are no longer serving us the way they used to. We need to let them go.

And that is the hardest part, right? Actually letting go of a piece of your identity, a piece of your soul. You know it no longer serves you, but at the same time you feel unbelievably safe there.  Its warm and comfy and you are afraid of your existence without it. But what is the point of that cozy room if you experience it alone? What is the point of self isolating when the world already feels isolated enough? 

It doesn't have to happen overnight, the destruction of your walls, but it does have to happen. Piece by piece, inch by inch, you need to start allowing these walls to crumble before your feet. You need to let them come down and start letting those around you come in. 

And yes, it will be fucking terrifying at first, you will feel like you are being invaded, but isn't it better to see those people rushing in, then to see no one at all? 

Because if you keep on allowing your independence to take priority over those around you, one day you will be alone, and you will only have yourself to blame. You can not fault them for giving up, and if you continue to wait, they will grow tired of waiting, and we both know, they deserve better than that. 

Amanda, I know shit was rough. I know you were hurt. I know we were hurt, but I also know, that we survived it and that this independence is no longer good for our soul. I know it will be hard and I know you are scared, but do you want to spend the rest of your life keeping people away from you? Probably not. It's time to let the walls down, my dear, it's time to let people in, its time to stop being alone, because you were never truly alone. There have always been people, waiting outside the walls, hoping one day that you'd let them in. 

So let them in.......