THE FIRST SNOWFALL: TAPPING INTO CHILDLIKE INNOCENCE

Hello Gorgeous Souls,

 This blog post comes to you before the crack of dawn this morning. It's currently 5:50am and I as I write this I sit completely in the dark of my living room gazing out my window, as the first snow fall cascades down on DC. 

As you saw yesterday from my Instagram stories, the meer idea of the possibility of snow coming to this area sent me in a tizzy. For those of you who might not know, I grew up in eastern New York, about 15 minutes north of Albany. When I was younger, there was one thing you could count on during a New York winter, and that was snow. 

 I would remember watching the news during those times, as Steve Caporizzo would discuss the possibility of a snow storm coming our way. I would watch anxiously awaiting to hear how many inches would be hitting the ground that evening. I would smile and secretly pray that it was enough to close school down, to give us a snow day. I would go to sleep that night, so giddy and excited with the idea of waking up to snow littering the ground. 

When the sun would start to rise, I would jump up out of my bed, run to the window, all the while holding my breath, hoping it would be there. The pure excitement would light my soul when a wintery wonderland would be starring back at me. The snow glittering in the light on the ground, looking so serene, halting the world in it's tracks, forcing everything to slow down. I would smile so big my face would hurt as I would run to the tv, throwing on the news, praying to myself "please be a snow day, please be a snow day" and when Green Island District School would show up on the cancelled list, I would scream in delight! That day now being filled with endless possibiltles of what was in store. 

You see, growing up, I felt like I couldn't really count on a lot of people in my life. I wouldn't say I had a tough childhood, I always had a roof over my head, always had food in my stomach, wasn't rich but we weren't poor, but when it came to the people in my life, I felt like I was constantly let down. I felt alone a lot growing up. Yes, I had friends and I had family, but as a child who was constantly told they were too much (insert whatever word you want here) I felt misunderstood. My parent's were "there" in the physical sense, but as I mentioned in a previous post, they both checked out of being emotional available to me the second they became emotionally unavailable to each other. I was forced to grow up quicker than most, having to take on the responsibility of taking care of not only myself, but my younger brother as well. 

The tough exterior I have now isn't because I want it to belong there, it's because it had to belong there in order for me to survive. I wasn't always like this. I used to be soft, sweet, so full of hope and possibility. I used to dream, so big and so bold, that everyone would say I was ridiculous. I was so passionate about life but everyone told me it was too much energy and to calm down. I was constantly met with disappointment and let down from my parents never wanting to be around me very much. It was pain a lot as a kid and had no one to talk to about it because I was forced to shove it all down in order to survive. I wasn't taught coping mechanisms for this hurt, I was told therapy was for "crazy people", and I didn't want to seem crazy, so I jammed all of those disappointing feelings deep down in my soul. With every disappointment came a new layer of hard shell that would form over myself. Before I knew it, all the softness was surrounded by so much hard.

But there was always one thing that would never disappoint me, one thing I could always count on, and that was at least one big snowfall in the winter. 

Yesterday, when I found out it was going to snow, it brought so much excitement to my soul. Many of you may believe this is ridiculous, but it made me think of those mornings that were so full of possibility, those mornings where the snow would blanket the ground, and in that moment the world felt so magical, like a giant snow globe. I felt the magic returning to my soul after so many years of being dormant and for the first time in a long time, I felt magic. 

I was so excited for the snow last night I couldn't fall asleep. I read a book, listened to ASMR, but my soul was just too caught up in the joy that I couldn't pass out until around 1am. Before I went to bed, I set my alarm to go off at 6am because the snow was supposed to start at 3am and I wanted to see the sun rise over the snow. At around 5am I woke up, hearing rain smashing off of the roof of our house, and instantly felt disappointed. I quickly grabbed my I-Pad and checked the Weather Channel, and it said that the rain would shift to snow by 6am. I was way too excited to go back to bed as I looked at the hourly reports of snow being at 100% from 6am-2pm. So I sat up in bed, checked my IG messages, and prayed to the Universe to at least show me one snowflake today. 

At around 5:30 I crawled out of bed to throw a sweater and some sweatpants on when all of a sudden the sound of rain dissipated. I stood super still, feeling like if I moved I would call the rain back, and gazed out my window at the lamp post that sits on the street, and there it was, cascading down from the sky, the light highlighting it's path to the ground, snow. 

And then something really unexpected happened. I crawled onto my bed, sitting looking at the snow falling down, and I started to cry.  Tears started streaming down my face so quickly it startled me. The Universe didn't let me down and she allowed me the experience of seeing the very first snow flake hit the ground this morning, and in that moment, I was so fucking grateful. 

Memories of snow days in the past rushed to me, the excitement of day hitting me like a train, the childlike innocence that I have missed so much, all coming back in full force the moment I saw that first snowflake. It felt like the Universe was saying to me "I have and will always have your back. It's ok to be excited. It's ok to hope. It's ok to believe again." Such a small moment that brought on so much emotion. The gratitude I felt in that moment, just to be awake, just to be able to watch the rain slowly shift into snow, to be able to witness the magic of Mother Nature, it was all so unbelievably beautiful. So, I sat there, looking out my window, watching the snow fall over my dark street, and I cried. 

I cried for my childhood innocence and how good it felt to relive that feeling again. I cried for the gratitude I had that I woke up early enough it at least see some snow. I cried for the memories of the past. I cried because in that moment, I was so happy. I was overjoyed to be able to feel all of these feelings again, rushing to my soul, begging to come to the surface. I cried as I felt a piece of my hard shell, crack, and fall to the ground. I cried because I felt soft in that moment, for the first time in years, and I was so elated to feel it, to feel something. 

And I sob as I sit here typing this blog post because I am just so happy that I got to experience this moment. I am so happy to be sitting here in the dark, drinking coffee, watching the snow battle the rain for it's moment to shine. I am so happy because even if the rain wins, and the snow doesn't stick to the ground, I got to experience that first snow fall moment again. I got to be a kid again. And my God, do I miss being a child and the innocence and joy that comes with it. 

I miss that I took it for granted all those years back. I miss it because the world is full of so much turmoil currently that it is so hard to tap back into feeling hope and possibilities. I miss the joy it brought, the excitement, the feeling that the world was at your finger tips. I felt like it was a sign from the Universe, telling me that I am on the right path, and giving me the validation I so desperately needed. 

And I share this with you, and write this post in the moment, because I want to anchor in this feeling right now. This feeling of innocence, of joy over something so tiny, of peace. I want to anchor in this moment so that when shit gets rough this year, which let's be real there will always be time of struggle, that I can look at this blog post and remember:

• That magic exists all around us. That the Universe provides us with moments that show us that this world, no matter how in the shits it is, is a magical place and that magic can be felt in the smallest moments in life

• That's it's ok to sob uncontrollably at 5:30am over snow flakes falling from the sky. That I am safe in all of my emotions, no matter how ridiculous they feel in the moment. They are and will always be valid and I should never question them or push them down. 

• That childlike innocence is still alive in each and every single one of us and that we should experience life through that lens more often. We maybe adults, we have had to grow up, but we deserve to experience life through rose colored glasses once and a while. We deserve the chance to get excited over something that may not make sense to other people. We deserve the right to tap into the idea of possibilities and limitlessness 

• That there is something out there, that is so much bigger than us, supporting us always. Even in times where we may feel lost or abandoned by the Universe, she is never truly gone. She is always there rooting us on, guiding our every move, watching over us ready to help us fly, or ready to catch us when we fall, and these little moment are her way of showing us that she cares and that she will always be there

And so today, I hope you decide to explore your childlike innocence. Whether it is watching snow fall, getting outside and playing it in, or doing something today that you have been wanting to do forever, but felt foolish for doing so.

I hope this post helps you decide to play today.

To be a child: foolish, excited, full of hope, innocent.

I hope you allow yourself to put those rose colored glasses on and see how beautiful the world can be through those lens. 

And when you do, I hope you anchor in that moment, so you can always return to it when times get tough, remember that it lives inside of you, and that you have the ability to access it

ALWAYS

Love your freakin face,

Amanda