Emotions Suck 🍆🍆🍆🍆🍆

Hey Gorgeous Souls,

I wanted to get up here and discuss something that has been coming to my attention so much lately. The Universe, she has ways of throwing shit in your path multiple times hoping that you catch it, but a lot of times we are constantly bombarded by so much shit in our lives, that we see it out of the corner of our eyes, but we don't pay much attention to it. We walk by thinking "if it's important she'll throw it at my again" and when she does, we treat it with the same attitude. "I'll get to it later" and before we know it this sign she is throwing to us gets ignored so fucking much that we forget it exists, even though she keeps chucking it in out path. Eventually, she will grow tired of our ass, she will stop throwing signs, and all of a sudden we will recognize how much we have been ignoring them, go to reach for them, and they will be gone. 

That is how I feel about celebration and abundance this year. The Universe has been throwing so many glorious moments in my path, giving me the chance to truly take them in, to appreciate them, to celebrate the fuck out of them, and I see them, but keep on moving. Why? Maybe because I feel they aren't good enough, maybe I wish they were bigger, maybe I began to feel they were unimportant, and yet the Universe kept throwing them. $30k month in cash with 70% profit....no celebration. Hosting my first in person retreat...no celebration. Becoming a half a million dollar business in two years...no celebration. All of this abundance being thrown at my feet, and yet I moved on constantly wanting to focus on something bigger. 

This year I have been truly trying to explore my emotions because after years of childhood trauma, adulthood mistakes, and feeling unsafe with myself, I have shut them down. I mean, I feel them, but not to the extent I wish I could feel them. I look at my friends who have these big beautiful emotions and I think to myself "I wish I could feel...that...whatever it was." I became so envious of them. Whenever they would celebrate so hard, I would wish I could tap into that pure gratitude and joy. When they would cry so hard that they could barely speak, I would think..."Jesus, I wish I could feel that hurt, I wish I could feel that deep" and yet made no attempt at trying to unmasking why I couldn't feel them. 

And as you know, when you start numbing yourself to escape the pain and the hurt you don't want to feel, you numb everything beautiful too. All of a sudden it becomes so hard to feel joy. You smile, you laugh, but you don't really feel it in your bones, you don't feel it in your soul. It just becomes this shallow feeling, all consuming numbness. 

And because I forced myself to shut out the pain and bullshit I wasn't ready to face head on, I forced myself to shut down everything, and this blog is my attempt to tap back into it, all of it: the hurt, the pain, the trauma, the gratitude, the happiness, the celebration, I want to feel it all. But that takes work, it's not something that is just going to POOF happen over night.

I have spent years sweeping my emotions under the rug and because of this I can't even enjoy all of the fucking success that I have poured my blood, sweat, and tears into. I can't feel the pure bliss of a $10k month, I can't feel the joy of a new client, I can't feel the gratitude of being able to throw down $20k on an in person retreat, and it's left me feeling empty. That is why this year I signed up with a therapist and decided to go through the Attic of my emotions and dig into the boxes and boxes of bullshit that I have left up there. 

Because in order to feel joy and celebration again, I need to be ready to stop avoiding pain and hurt. I can not be ready for the big joyful emotions if I am not ready for the dark ones. I want to be ready to handle them all. 

It's a slow process, and once you open Pandora's box that has been sealed shut for so many years, so much shit comes up, and at the weirdest times. Last night, my cat by accident scratched my finger, literally the tiniest cut ever, and I felt all of this pain come up, even though it honestly didn't even fucking hurt. I went into the bathroom and sobbed on the bathroom floor, and honestly not even sure why, but I let it come up, I let myself fall apart on the floor, and I felt so much better afterwards.   

This is all part of the process, and I am hoping each time the tears come up and I let them stream down my face just because I can, that it can help me feel like me again. It can help me feel joy again. So every time I cry for no reason whatsoever, when I break down in the shower, on the floor, in my car, I say "these tears are bringing me one step closer to joy" and it somehow makes everything feel so much better. 

And honestly, I'm not even sure if this post makes sense as it's just a stream of consciousness pouring out of me at Starbucks as I sip my Sugar Cookie Oatmilk Latte and stare at the golden sun starting to set. But this experience, the human experience, is messy, and it's terrible, and it's beautiful. All of it, the entire fucking shit show. I am here for it. 

And I hope you are too. 

Love your freakin faces,

Amanda