The Main Character

Hey Gorgeous Souls,

  February has been a very fucking weird month, as you all know from my post last week. It's been full of ups and downs and just weird fucking energy all month (and we aren't even half way through it, LOOOOORDDDD save me.) But it has been full of reflective energy that has me questioning every aspect of my life, but I believe it's in the best way possible.

I started to realize that I am burn the fuck out. Nope, before you go there, I am not burnt out in my business, in fact, I love my business right now. It doesn't feel super pressured, I feel safe, but my personal life, it's sucking the life out of me. I am fucking B-O-R-E-D with everything to do with my personal life right now. Not going to lie, it feels like ground hogs day, every day being on repeat. I wake up, go to the gym, I work, I read smut, I go to bed, I wake up and do the same thing the next day. It's become monotonous as fuck and it is driving me crazy. 

I was talking to my therapist the other day and she said to me, "You have put yourself in a prison of your own making and the door is wide open for you, but you refuse to walk out of it." DAMNNNNNNNN Allison, nice way to kick me right in the dick, but she is absolutely right. I constantly bitch and moan about my life being boring and wanting to get out and do things, and yet I constantly come up with excuses why I can't do those things I want to do.

"Well...what about parking?" "Ughhhh that's like a 30 minute drive from here." "But then I have to get on a plane and deal with all that anxiety" so on and so forth the excuses have poured the fuck out of my mouth for way too long.  And you know what? I am exhausted with the excuses. I am exhausted with the lack of moving or doing anything. I am exhausted all of the fucking time. I am exhausted with feeling exhausted, and I can't take it anymore. I get off the calls with my therapist, and I am exhausted from hearing myself talk about how exhausted I am the entire time. Obviously, something needs to fucking change, I need to change. 

There comes a time in our lives where we have to stop and recognize how we are not the victim to our circumstances, that we are the fucking problem. We have to stop blaming everything on everyone else, and own up to the fact that we are not happy because we  have put ourselves here. I am not shaming anyone or. myself for allowing it to get as far as it did, in fact, I forgive myself. We have gone through a pandemic that we were told would only last two or three weeks and we are in year freakin two of this shit. The pandemic brought the world to a halt, it brought my life to a halt, and I am ready to start living again. 

But in order for this to happen, I have to take a good look at myself and figure out how the hell I got to this place I am in. How I am living in the freaking suburbs, which I hate, how I feel trapped in this endless cycle of the same day every day, how I feel like I am settled at 36 and acting like I am in my 80s and I can't do shit about it. I have to realize all of the bullshit excuses I have put out there for reasons why I don't do things, reasons why I don't have friends, reasons why I don't put myself out there, and stop making excuses, and show the fuck up for myself. 

I love books, y'all know I do, and I am always so fascinated by the main characters in these books. These strong ass women who face their fears every single day. These women who are constantly speaking their truth, standing in their power, being all that they can be. These women who are living their lives to the fullest, and I realize that I am NOT a main character in my story, Christ, I don't even know if I AM a character at all at this point, and that shit makes me so sad. 

I want to be the main character of my life. I want to be the person I have always wanted to be. I feel that every year I get closer to her, but also, the last two years have been fucking tough. I felt myself becoming ridiculously overwhelmed with fear, I have developed anxiety which I never had before, I am hermiting in my house all of the time, and I am fucking over it. I want to stand out in this world, I want to be that main character in my story. 

And so I guess the point of this post is to share my truth, to start living my life the way I want to, and to hold myself accountable . To stop talking about stepping into this role and actually do it. To stop making the excuses, and just get uncomfortable as fuck all of the time. To bring back the excitement, the inspiration, the energy back into my life again. To shine, because I do not feel very bright lately. 

Yes, we are the problem sometimes in our lives, but we are also the fucking solution.  We have gotten ourselves to this point, we can get ourselves out of it.  

And so I am here telling y'all I want to be the fucking main character. The main character:

• is vulnerable, caring, loving, and brave 
• feels safe with herself always 
• speaks her truth even when its uncomfortable
• inspires herself every single day
• does shit that absolutely scares the shit out of her, but knows it will benefit her
• is open, transparent, and real 
• surrounds herself with people who love her, support her, and match her energy 
• is always on adventures, meeting new people, creating lasting memories

I want to be her.  

I get to be her.

I will be her. 

 And I will take you along for the journey. Because each and every single one of us deserves to be the main character of our lives. 

Love your freakin faces,

Amanda