How I F*cked Up the Day Before My In Person Event

Hello Gorgeous Souls,

I am hoping you are having a lovely day today on this Tuesday morning. As I write this, I am currently on a plane heading to New Orleans to start getting ready for Bitchin Biz & Kings Court In Person Retreats that start this week and next. But that is not what I want to talk about today. I want to talk about the shit show of an emotional roller coaster that yesterday was.

If you read my previous post, you know that my COO couldn’t make it to the retreats from Ireland due to extenuating circumstances beyond her control. Honestly, despite the wee bit of stress I felt when I initially found out she wasn’t going to be able to make it, I felt ok. I knew it was going to be tough, but I also knew that my two friends were coming for the middle of it so I would only be by myself for the beginning and end. I wasn’t I would say 100% confident, but I also knew I had no choice and I have to get ‘er done regardless.

I was even feeling great after my meeting with my COO in the morning to literally plot out every second of my day for the next few days so that I felt more comfortable. We finalized aspects of the retreat on the call together, reached out to vendors to confirm, and overall had a great call. As soon as we finished with the call, I started to panic a bit.

• I am a nervous flyer. Even as I am writing this on the plane my stomach is basically trying to make its way up my throat and down my intestines at the same time.
• I suddenly realized I was going to be completely by myself for two days, in a state that I know absolutely no one in, in a massive house I have never been in, in a neighborhood that I have never experienced, and all of a sudden my anxiety kicked into overdrive

I felt like I had so much to do and so little time. I had to run out to get the Workbooks for the retreat, run to the grocery store, come back home and pack. I had to reach back out to a vendor about menu details. Everything hit me at once. I literally ran out of my house and started running all the errands I needed to feel better about my departure and that is when shit hit the fucking fan

Shit Fan Moment 1:

Went to pick up the workbooks for Bitchin Biz at UPS and they weren’t finished. They were supposed to be finished at 10am, I was there at 11 and they weren’t complete. The workers apologized and said they’d be ready in a half hour. So I ran to the grocery store to pick up last minute supplies

Shit Fan Moment 2:

As I was at the grocery store I started to get hungry so I stood in line to get a salad. As I was standing in line I receive a Voxer from one of my clients saying “hey where is the ZOOM link for our call.” COMPLETE FUCKING PANIC HITS ME.  I had a call scheduled with not ONE but TWO of my clients at 12pm that day and because of how frazzled I was that morning, somehow missed the google calendar notification being sent to my phone. I had to abandon the salad line and spend the next twenty minute profusely apologizing to these two women. I haven’t had something like this happen since the end of 2019 and it completely through me. I felt absolutely terrible because this was supposed to be our kick off call, the first call to set the pace of our container and I completely fucking missed it. I literally almost broke down in tears in the middle of Wegmans because I was beyond disappointed in myself for being so careless and so frazzeled that I missed this call.

Nothing makes me feel like shit more than knowing I let other people down and didn’t make them feel like they were the priority they are to me. Thank GOD the two women were unbelievably kind and understanding about the whole situation and we were able to get the call rescheduled, but this shit knocked the wind out of the sails and made me feel like absolute trash. Enter shit fan moment 3

Shit Fan Moment 3:

I sat down to try and eat my lunch when I receive an email from one of the women attending the retreats this week and next and there was a miscommunication on our part that left her feeling a bit overwhelmed. She was nice as sin in her email and just wanted clarification on a few items that got lost in translation. She wasn’t mad or upset at all, but reading the email literally made my whole body go into shut down mode.

Before I knew it, my hands started shaking aggressively as I sat at the table. I quickly wrote her an email back explaining the miscommunication and clarifying everything she needed clarification on, but the situation itself made me feel like I was going to puke. Any other day of the week, if I would have been on my game and felt better, this email would have been fine, I would have handled it, let it go, and moved on. But it hit me at such an already vulnerable moment that I had to hold back the complete meltdown I was about to have in the middle of the Wegmans seating area. The tears started welling up in my eyes, my chest began to tighten, my throat swelled up. I looked up at Adam as soon as I finished the email and said “I need to leave” while he sat there wide eyed at me. We left Wegmans to head back to the printer where I told him what had happened with the email and began to cry and feel the overwhelm hit me.

Shit Fan Moment 4:

We get back to the printer. There is a massive line of people waiting. I finally get my hands on the workbooks and was in such a hurry to get out of there I didn’t look at them before I left. They printed the freaking workbooks in black and white when they were supposed to be in color, but by the time I realized it (as I was packing last night) it was too late. I had to REORDER the workbooks down at a UPS print shop in New Orleans in color again to get the right ones.

To say this day left me emotionally drained was a understatement. Although everything completely worked out in the end:

• I smoothed things over with my two clients, gave them access into my HD programs as a compensation for their lost time, and sent them emails about our call being reschedule on Wednesday
• The woman in the email replied back to my email happy as can be that I clarified everything for her. She is good, she is happy, all is well
• I reordered the book to be ready by today at UPS in New Orleans

All though everything worked out in the end, the damage was already done. To be honest, I have not felt that overwhelmed in probably 15 years. When I used to get really upset as a child, really hurt, my stomach would revolt against me, my hands would start shaking, I would feel like I was going to cry and vomit at the same time, my body would tense up so much I couldn’t move, I would shut down, and when that email came in yesterday all of those trauma responses came flooding back into my body in SECONDS.  

I felt such immense emotion that I couldn’t handle it. It literally took me HOURS to “feel better” and I definitely didn’t feel great, just not like I was going to die. Once we got home from everything, Adam posted my ass on the couch, got me water, and put on Emily in Paris for me to “relax and numb my brain” but it didn’t do much. My body was sore, it felt like I had been hit my a truck. My chest was so tense during everything that once it released it felt like I had just bench 155lbs for 20 reps. I could barely lift my arms, my back was killing me. My stomach…oh lordy she was PISSED. I couldn’t eat, was beyond nauseated, I was in and out of the bathroom every 30 minutes. I was DONE. Even this morning when I woke up, my stomach was not happy. It wasn’t until about 20 minutes ago that I could put some pretzels and juice in my belly.

I am sharing this with you for a few reasons:

• To point out that each and every single one of us have absolutely terrible fucking days that even though end up working out ok, still leave us absolutely wrecked in the process
• When you are hosting your in person events, everything that could go wrong, typically does, and you have got to roll with the punches anyway.
• Being overwhelmed, terrified, feeling like a complete and utter fuck up, is normal and every single entrepreneur in this world has felt it more than their share of times.

And to be transparent, I am still fucking terrified. I am going to be by myself for the first time in probably 10 plus years overnight in a state I do not live in. I am going to be staying by myself for the first time in forever in a house that is not mine and very large. I am going to have to run the first 2 days and the last 4 days of my retreat weeks by myself.

ALL OF THIS SHIT FUCKING TERRIFIES ME

But I can’t just give up. I can’t just cancel. I committed to these events and I will see them through. Why? Because the women who are coming deserve that. They have paid for my time, energy, love, and I refuse to not show up for them because I am scared. If I did cancel this events or postpone them again, I would have regretted it every single day of my fucking life. I would have kicked myself in my ass for years about this, and I refuse to do that to myself.

I have no idea what will happen over the next two weeks. Whether I will come out of this beaming with pride because I crushed it or completely broken because I didn’t do as well as I thought, but I DO know that I will come out of this so much stronger. I will truly see what I am capable of after these two weeks. I will probably know myself on such a deeper level by the end of this that it will probably scare the hell out of me. But something will happen by the end of these two weeks, I will prove to myself that I can handle anything that is thrown my way. I don’t need to live in chaos to thrive, but when it does hit, I can fucking handle it and come out swinging.

In person events this year and last have truly tested me in ways that I never thought I would be tested and honestly was wondering if I was doing something wrong. I see other Coaches hosting in persons, seeming relaxed and calm the entire time, while I am over here:

• Stressed about the amount of money it costs
• Stressed about the lack of tickets sold
• Stressed about all the little details
• And the list goes on and on

But I also know, that a lot of Coaches only show the fun parts of their journey, the part that they can market and sell, that part that makes them look good. And it breaks my heart because it makes those who are freaking out, like myself, believe we are terrible at our jobs, that we aren’t grounded enough, and that we shouldn’t be hosting these events.

But I know from my experience of doing one in November and these in person events being number 2 and 3 that they are the HARDEST thing I have ever had to do in my entire business career. Between the planning, selling, paying, it has all been so overwhelming at times that I thought I could explode, but you know what? I will keep on putting them on because I know no matter how difficult it is leading up to the retreat, the retreats themselves, are always fucking magical.

Seeing all of your hard work, blood, sweat, and tears playing out so beautifully in front of your eyes, is one of the most thrilling experiences on this planet. Seeing the women connecting with each other, smiling, telling personal stories over dinner, watching them relax and truly enjoy themselves. Especially the mother’s, who spend so much time doing things for everyone else, to get everything done FOR them during these events always put a twinkle in their eyes. It is the most joyous experience in the world as a Coach, to take your brand out from the confines of the online space, and bring it to LIFE right before you.

This post isn’t to detour you from doing in person events, on the contrary, for the love of God blasé do them, the world truly needs them especially after the last two years of being even more isolated from each other. But I do want to give you a realistic picture of the time, energy, emotions, and money it takes to run a “luxury” in person retreat. For example, it cost us about $23,000 to run each retreat:

• About $10k for food alone (between private chef and going out to restaurants)
• $500 in groceries for the house (creamers, extra paper towels, misc shit)
• The locations cost: NC: $9,000 for one week, NOLA: $15,000 for 2 weeks
• Photographer: $1000
• Videographer: anywhere between $1500-$4000
• And this list truly does go on

And I have learned so much from launching these last three that I will be so much better equipped to handle them in the future, but I had to live through the shit show of these ones to learn better, as usual.

Just know that things that are difficult can be beneficial in the end. Even when during the process you feel like you are getting kicked in the dick left and right by the Universe. Just because it’s difficult doesn’t mean it isn’t worth it and that you shouldn’t keep on going.

I hope you all following along with my journey this week as I will be using the blog to emotionally process during these next two weeks. There will possibly be a lot of blog posts and I hope you are ok with that. I just want to paint the clearest picture for you all during these events so that when you host your own, you understand everything you are feeling is  VALID & NORMAL.

LOVE YOUR FREAKIN’ FACES,

Amanda